When You Don’t Feel Like Yourself Anymore
Hair loss isn’t something I’ve always talked about, even though I’ve been living with it for years. PCOS and Frontal Fibrosing Alopecia (FFA) have been part of my world for a while now, but over the past year it’s gotten harder. The changes have become more visible. More lasting. And if I’m being honest, more emotional than I expected.
I’ve cried about it more than I thought I would. And then I’ve felt ashamed for crying. That little voice creeps in “Am I being vain?” “Does caring this much about my hair make me shallow?” It’s taken me a while to unpack all of that.
We’re told hair doesn’t matter, that beauty is within and that we’re supposed to love ourselves no matter what. But when you start losing your hair, when the reflection in the mirror no longer feels like you, it does matter. Not because of vanity, but because it’s tied to identity. It’s tied to memories, confidence and how you feel in your skin. It’s the face your kids see, the head your partner kisses, the version of you that’s lived in every photo for years.
And on top of the grief, there’s the fear of judgment. I’ve worried that when people look at me, all they’ll see is what’s missing. That they’ll notice the hair loss and assume something about me before they even know who I am. That they’ll quietly pity me. That I won’t be taken seriously, or worse that I’ll be seen as less than. I know that’s not how I define other people, but it’s been hard not to internalize those fears myself.
That fear has kept me small. I pulled back from showing up in my business. I avoided video. I said no to reels. Not because I didn’t have anything to say, but because I didn’t feel like myself when I saw my reflection.
Eventually, I started exploring hair toppers. I bought one last year and honestly, I wear it out more than I thought I would. I worked with my hairstylist to figure out the right density, size, length, all the things I had no clue about going in. So when it arrived, it felt good on my head and it felt good when I looked in the mirror.
Recently, I was at my hairstylist’s and saw a topper on her wall that I couldn’t take my eyes off of. I told her I loved the look of it and she told me to try it on. Well… I fell in love. I was worried it might look too fake because it had more hair than my previous one, but the style was everything I always wished my natural hair could be.
So yes, I bought it.
And honestly? It helps me feel less awkward showing up. It gives me that little push when I need it. And I’m not going to lie, it brings out some of my sassy self, too.
Some days I feel totally fine. I wear the topper or I don’t and I move through my day without giving it much thought. Other days, I still grieve. I miss the version of me I used to see in the mirror. I still cry sometimes. That part hasn’t magically disappeared. But I’m learning to let the grief move through me instead of pretending it’s not there.
What’s changed is that I’m getting more comfortable letting this be part of my story without letting it take over the whole thing. Wearing a topper doesn’t make me someone new. It doesn’t change who I am. It just helps me feel a little more like myself again, especially on the days when showing up feels hard.
The truth is, the inside hasn’t changed. This is still me. If anything, I think I’m just letting the outside catch up.
Thanks for reading!
Sam
