What If It’s Not Your Inner Child That Needs Healing?
Little tween me
We talk a lot about healing the inner child and for good reason. Those early years shape so much of how we move through the world. They influence our sense of safety, our beliefs about love and worth and the patterns we carry into adulthood.
But lately, I’ve been wondering if we’ve left someone out of the conversation.
Because when I look back at the things that still ache, the moments that catch me off guard or leave me overthinking, I don’t always land in childhood. I land somewhere else. Somewhere in the in-between. That space between 10 and 16, when you’re not a kid anymore but you’re definitely not grown.
It’s a stage where friendships start to shift. Being liked begins to feel more important than being known. And you start shrinking parts of yourself just to fit in.
That’s where I meet her.
The version of me who was told she was too sensitive, too serious or just too much at times. The one who was sometimes left out and didn’t understand why. The one who slowly started to believe that being loved meant being easier to be around.
We don’t talk about her very much. We don’t talk about how those years shape our fear of rejection, our struggle with boundaries or the way we sometimes brace for abandonment before anyone even leaves.
Most inner child work focuses on those early years, usually before the age of seven. It’s about reconnecting with the little one who needed safety, comfort and care. And that work is incredibly valuable.
But I think we need to make space for another version of us too: the inner teen.
The one who started believing she had to prove her worth. The one who learned to read between the lines of a look or a message. The one who decided it was safer to over-give than to ask for what she really needed.
She’s still here. She’s the one who feels that drop in her stomach when someone pulls away. The one who holds her breath waiting for a response. The one who panics a little when a friendship starts to feel uncertain, even now.
And I think she deserves healing too. Not to be fixed. Not to be shamed. Just to be seen. To be told, “You didn’t do anything wrong.” To know that she didn’t have to be different to be loved.
If you’ve done inner child work and something still feels unfinished, maybe this is why. Maybe there’s another part of you, older than your inner child but just as tender, still carrying the stories no one helped you unpack.
You’re not alone in this. And there’s nothing wrong with the way this is showing up for you. You’re just reconnecting with a version of yourself who’s still holding pieces of the story.
How to Start Supporting Your Inner Teen
This isn’t about fixing or overanalyzing anything. It’s about offering care in the places where confusion, shame or silence might still live. Here’s how you can begin reconnecting with her.
Notice when she’s showing up
If something feels more intense than the situation calls for, it might not just be about what’s happening now. It could be your inner teen reacting to something that feels familiar.
Watch for moments like:
Overthinking a message
Feeling left out or not chosen
Worrying you’re too much or not enough
Instead of getting stuck in it, try asking:
What does this remind me of?
Have I felt this way before?
Just making the connection can bring clarity and help you respond with more care.
Stop minimizing what happened
It’s easy to say, “That was just middle school” or “Everyone went through that.” But those years mattered. They shaped how you show up in relationships now.
Try writing through these questions:
What do I wish someone had said to me back then?
What do I need to hear now?
Your experiences don’t have to be dramatic to be valid.
Build a different relationship with her
Let her be cared for, not criticized. Let her rest instead of hustling to be accepted.
That might look like:
Saying no without guilt
Letting yourself receive support
Letting silence feel safe instead of scary
Every time you choose self-respect over people-pleasing, you’re showing her what’s possible.
Reclaim what she gave up to belong
What truth did she tuck away? What boundary got dropped? What version of you stopped feeling welcome?
You don’t need to go back and be her again. But you can honour what she lost.
Ask yourself:
What part of me got left behind?
Is it safe to let her be seen now?
You don’t have to do all of this. You don’t have to get it perfect. But every time you show up with honesty and care, you’re rewriting the story. You’re reminding her, and yourself, that it’s safe to be real now.
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